Baby.

“I believe a lot of incredible things. The most incredible thing I believe is the Christmas story. That little baby born in the manger was the god that created the universe.” – Don the Dentist

Universe.

“The state Board of Education is responsible for managing an endowment worth more than $20 billion. It’s called the Permanent School Fund, and money from that endowment is used to buy textbooks, and because Texas is the only state in the country that has uniform adoption standards from K through 12 – in other words, it’s the only state in the country where a central body decides what textbooks school districts can get for free, (and because of that) there’s high stakes here… there’s this meme, if you might call it, that whatever happens in Texas, so goes the nation.” – NPR

So Texas wants to include some new, more Conservative-style material in their curriculum that inevitably finds its way into all our nation’s textbooks. It’s not really my goal to restate the issue at hand, but more to draw focus to facts that look less like this

The Founders would commune with Godric Gryffindor's Sword (seen propped against the chair in the foreground). A clever observer will note the absence of Lincoln's famous Stovepipe Sorting Hat, as the Sorting Hat and the Sword were not getting along at the time.

And more like this;

I know it doesn't make any sense. That's the point.

Thanks to Don the Dentist, former chairman of the Texan SBOE and unofficial current chairman of the Texan Creationist Sith, there are a number of addenda to the Texas 8th grade curriculum, including

RECOMMENDED CHANGE
(15) Government. The student understands the American beliefs and principles reflected in the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution and other important historic documents. The student is expected to:
(A) identify the influence of ideas from historic documents, including Magna Carta, the English Bill of Rights, the Mayflower Compact, The Wealth of Nations, the Declaration of Independence, the Federalist Papers, and selected anti-federalist writings, on the U.S. system of government;

JUSTIFICATION
The SBOE has indicated that it desires major emphasis on the Founding principles and Founding documents. The Declaration of Independence certainly fits in this category, and should be studied at the same level as the Constitution, rather than at the level of other important, but lesser, documents.

As you can see, the Declaration of Independence has been copy-paste redacted into a position of more importance. It seems Don the Dentist is off to a good start, at least he knows the proper use of redacting things.

RECOMMENDED CHANGE
B) evaluate contrast the impact tone of muckrakers and reform leaders such as Upton Sinclair, Susan B. Anthony, Ida B. Wells, andW. E. B. DuBois on American society; and versus the optimism of immigrants including Jean Pierre Godet as told in Thomas Kinkade’s The Spirit of America.

Ah, you see? They’re changing the focus of the curriculum from the impact of human history to the tone of human history. A much more definite science, tone analysis is largely ignored by actual historians but much more relevant to the youth of today. Was Lincoln sassy or smarmy in his Gettysburg address? Ask a Texan 8th grader. He’ll tell you.

"Come on you stupid bitch, let's get out of here."

"These shoes cost $300."

D the D’s justification for this one includes a quote from A Patriot’s History of the United States, a book intended to be the antithesis of Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States. I’ve read parts of Howard Zinn’s book, but it was so heavy it started cutting off the circulation in my thighs and I had to put it down. To help me understand exactly what kind of rebuttal the Patriot’s History is, I did the most American research a Patriot can do; I read the front flap on Amazon.

“…more emphasis,” it reads, “is placed on Harriet Tubman than George Washington; more about the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II than about D-Day or Iwo Jima; more on those dangers we faced from Joeseph McCarthy than those we faced from Josef Stalin.”

Have we truly sunk so low, America? Are we truly so obsessed with sex that a woman can make us forget our first president? No – not Peyton Randolph – George fucking Washington, the president so nice we named him twice. Not the same name, but twice. George (fucking) Washington. And who are we, America, to criticize ourselves for Japanese Internment Camps and political witchhunts, when there are so many other bad things happening outside the country? We only have a limited amount of poop to smear and if we smear it on ourselves, America, we just smell like our own poopsmear.

A Patriot’s History of the United States‘s flap also tells us “that the same founders who owned slaves instituted numerous ways to ensure slavery could not survive.” That’s cool. That’s like raping someone with an icicle; I may be raping you right now, but it can’t last forever!

Don the Dentist, whose real name is Don McLeroy, also introduced into the Texan 8th grade curriculum an in-depth analysis of the dangers of communism during the McCarthy era. He draws on the evidence of the Venona Project, which endeavored to decode messages sent to Soviet spies in the United States. The Project decoded approximately 3,000 of the hundreds of thousands of messages intercepted from the Soviets. What’s that? That’s a really piss-poor percentage, you say? Fuck percentages, America, 3,000 is a lot. You decode 3,000 messages and see how you feel. Tired is how you feel. Now shut up.

RECOMMENDED CHANGE
(B) describe how the extent and danger of Soviet agent infiltration of the U.S. government as revealed in Alger Hiss’ guilt and confirmed later by the Venona Papers, McCarthyism, the House Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC), the arms race, and the space race affected/reflected increased Cold War tensions. and how the later release of the Venona Papers confirmed suspicions of communist infiltration in U.S. government.

DtD also wants to teach 8th graders about the eugenics programs pursued in the United States in the 1920s through the Nazi era. At first this may seem contradictory with such a patriotic curriculum, but I have two theories.

1. DtD is introducing children to the idea of eugenics in the hopes that they will pursue further knowledge.

"What good does it do to put a Chinese story in an English book? So you really don't want Chinese books with a bunch of crazy Chinese words in them." - Don McLeroy

2. Don is just telling it like it is. Just because America is awesome doesn’t mean it won’t fucking kill you if it gets the chance. I’ve heard he also plans to show the students the movie Teeth as an allegory for the government. I haven’t really heard that.

America

This next change McLeroy Jenkins wants to make is subtle, but important. See if you can find it. Remember, notes in red are redacted and notes in blue are additions.

RECOMMENDED CHANGE
(A) identify significant social and political advocacy organizations, and leaders, and issues across the political spectrum;
(C)Evaluate efforts by global organizations to undermine U. S. sovereignty.

Did you catch it?  What once read Identify significant social and political advocacy organizations and leaders across the political spectrum is now almost imperceptibly followed by Evaluate efforts by global organizations to undermine U.S. sovereignty. Wow. Yes, Don McLeroy, that sounds important. But tell me, who are these organizations out to undermine the sovereignty of my beloved America Dentata? Wait, don’t tell me. Let me guess.

1. The KGB
2. The Former KGB
3. Giant Squids
4. KGB From the Future
5. Might Morphin’ Power Rangers
6. ABBA
7. Bridge Trolls
8. The U.N. General Assembly

Can you guess which one it is?

JUSTIFICATION
Threats of global government to individual freedom and liberty include the votes of the U. N. General Assembly, the International Criminal Court, the U. N. Gun Ban proposal, forced redistribution of American wealth to third world countries, and global environmental initiatives.

If you guessed #8, you’re fucking right!

RECOMMENDED CHANGE
(F) discuss alternatives regarding long term entitlements such as Social Security and Medicare, given the decreasing worker to retiree ratio,
JUSTIFICATION
This is a critical thinking skills item, and it is also relevant to assessing the policies of the various ideologies that have shaped where we are as Americans.

Awesome idea, Don the Dentist! Get our kids thinking about how to reform government life support systems so that we can fight off those damn environmental reform initiatives that keep threatening our sovereignty! Hey, just out of curiosity Don the Dentist, what kind of questions would have to be on an 8th graders test to accurately be able to dissect the failings of such large and convoluted institutions as Social Security and Medicare? Let’s check out the SSA website and check it out!

Question 1:

Will a one-time increase in my income due to property sales or capital gains be considered when you determine my Income-Related Part B premium?

Circle One:

A. SSA generally considers your income from property sales or capital gains to determine your Part B premium amount. SSA uses the most recent tax information provided by the Internal Revenue Service (IRS). In most cases, this information is for two years prior to the year in question. SSA uses your modified adjusted gross income (MAGI) from your tax return to make this determination. Your MAGI is a combination of your adjusted gross income and tax exempt interest income. Each calendar year, SSA recomputes your premium based on the most recent tax information provided by IRS.

B. Abby is taller than Jim, but shorter than Andy

C. X = 4

Wow! The SSA has fucking MAGI working for them. I guess this whole Social Security thing really is on an 8th grade level. Now will someone just tell Congress that so they can stop pretending like it’s really difficult all the time?

Don McLeroy also pushed a ‘critical thinking’ measure into the curriculum, encouraging children to make the distinction between the exact wording of the Constitution and the phrase “separation of church and state.” I don’t have anything funny to say about that, but sassy Abraham Lincoln does.

"I use this hat for a condom. Now put your hands in your jackets before I kill you both with my bowtie."

“The way I evaluate history textbooks is first I see how they cover Christianity and Israel. Then I see how they treat Ronald Reagan—he needs to get credit for saving the world from communism and for the good economy over the last twenty years because he lowered taxes.” – Don ‘The Dentist” McLeroy